Lance speaks out

Photo by Lucas Jackson/Reuters

Here is a hilarious mock retort supposedly from Lance Armstrong on the day he is official stripped of his seven tour titles. If only this were truly from Lance.

A Message from Lance
October 18, 2012
Posted by John Bailey Owen

“Last August, I took advantage of an offer from the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency to be automatically stripped of my Tour de France titles by refusing to defend myself against doping charges. Disappointed as I was to see the government’s anti-success bureaucrats tearing apart the Constitution at great cost to the taxpayer, I was relieved to have finally freed myself from the demonization that my astounding triumphs inflicted on me.

But with the release of the USADA’s new report, which alleges that I was a “doping kingpin” throughout my career, I see how foolish I was. The agency’s offer was nothing but a honeypot, cynically designed to make the idea that I doped seem almost potentially plausible.

This new two-hundred-and-two-page document is filled with lies, each more ludicrous than the last. Lies about me forcing teammates to dope, lies that I threatened witnesses and their families, even lies suggesting that I thought the International Cycling Union was “somewhat at fault for the extent of my cancer,” so, “if I ever have a doping problem, I have this card to play.” With whoppers these large, one can imagine the USADA letting loose even more outrageous ones in the future. Maybe some stuff about chimp hormones, or chimp pituitary glands. A secret, poorly run chimp farm on my villa in Nice, and the like. Loose chimps sent to terrorize enemies. But again, I just said those would be lies. So let’s agree, right now, to not pay attention to those. Deal? Deal.”

Read more: here.

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